Raising Confident Children: Self-Esteem Tips for Parents
By Dr Daniel Gordon • 28, Aug 2025
Building real self-esteem in children is one of the greatest challenges for parents. Confidence and resilience are easy to spot, but self-esteem is harder to define and even harder to nurture.
Recently on The Health Perspective I sat down with Dr Josh Harwood, a clinical psychologist specialising in child mental health, to talk about self-esteem in children.
In the full conversation we explored how self-esteem develops, why it matters, and what parents can do to help their children build genuine self-worth. What follows is a reflection on that discussion, highlighting the most important insights for parents.
What Is Self-Esteem and How Is It Different from Confidence?
I began with the basics. Parents talk a lot about self-esteem, but what do we actually mean by it?
Josh explained:
“Confidence is about a particular skill. I might be confident at football or music. Self-esteem runs deeper. It is about how I truly see myself and what I believe about myself at the core, such as whether I feel I am lovable, likable, or good enough.”
That distinction is crucial. A child may appear confident on the outside but still carry deep-rooted doubts about their worth. Self-esteem is not about achievements, it is about identity.
And what are the early signs a child may be struggling? Parents often describe them as “just shy” or “giving up easily.” But sometimes these behaviours point to something deeper: a child who doubts their own value.
How Self-Esteem Starts and Why It Sticks
Self-esteem begins forming almost from birth, shaped by the messages a child receives about who they are and whether they are valued.
Josh explained:
“Parents matter hugely in those early years, whether a child feels heard, praised in the right way, and understood. But parents are not the only influence. Siblings, teachers, peers, they all play a role.”
I asked him about the intergenerational link. Do parents with low self-esteem pass it on to their children? Josh’s answer was reassuring.
“It is not a simple cause-and-effect. But yes, parents’ own self-esteem can colour how they interact with their children. What matters is reflection and awareness, not perfection.”
Self-Esteem Across the Ages
Self-esteem does not look the same at every stage of childhood. In toddlers, it may appear as clinginess or reluctance to try new things. In primary-aged children, it can show up as perfectionism, sensitivity to criticism, or withdrawing from challenges. By the teenage years, low self-esteem is often hidden beneath anxiety, low mood, or even school refusal.
In my own work as a GP, I often only see brief snapshots of children’s lives, but Josh stressed that these age-specific clues are crucial.
“Low self-esteem is not a medical diagnosis, but it underlies so many of the difficulties we see in clinic, whether that is anxiety, withdrawal, or perfectionism. Spotting those clues early makes all the difference.”
Peer Pressure, Social Media, and the Inner Critic
One of the biggest modern challenges for self-esteem is social comparison. Children grow up surrounded by images and messages about how they should look, act, and achieve.
Josh explained that comparison begins earlier than many parents realise, often in the primary years. Subtle forms of bullying such as exclusion, teasing, or online comments can quietly chip away at a child’s sense of worth long before adults notice.
I reflected on how often I see this in practice. Children may appear outwardly fine but are suffering underneath. By the time the signs become visible, the damage may have been building for years.
Parenting and Self-Esteem: Getting the Balance Right
Parents naturally want to help, but it is easy to get caught between two extremes. Some try to shield their children from every difficulty, while others favour a tough love approach, expecting them to learn by being thrown in at the deep end.
As I reflected during our conversation, we are living in an age where we are far more in our heads as parents. A generation ago, parents did not spend as much time analysing their own style. They just got on with it, sometimes good, sometimes not so good, but without the constant self-questioning. Today we are surrounded by books, podcasts and social media feeds telling us how to parent, which leaves many of us second-guessing ourselves.
Josh encouraged finding a middle ground.
“We need to give our children the opportunity to make mistakes, to struggle a little, and then to keep going. That is how they build resilience and real self-esteem.”
Josh warned against swinging too far into overprotection.
“There is a real danger in wrapping children in cotton wool or helicopter parenting. We need to give them safe opportunities to make mistakes, to struggle a little, and then to keep going. That is how they build resilience and real self-esteem.”
He described this as promoting a growth mindset: teaching children that setbacks are part of learning, not proof that they are not good enough.
Building Real Resilience and the Problem with Over-Praising
So how do we put these ideas into practice at home?
I shared one example from my own parenting. When one of my children brings me their homework, I sometimes ask, “Did you try your absolute best on this?” If the answer is yes, I tell them I am proud before even looking at the work.
Josh explained that the type of praise we give really matters.
“There are two main types of praise. Labelling praise is when you say things like ‘you’re amazing’ or ‘you’re brilliant.’ It sounds lovely, but if you use it too much it does not build long-term self-worth. Descriptive praise is different. It means recognising the effort, the detail, the persistence. That is what really makes a difference.”
He warned that children who grow up mostly hearing labelling praise can become dependent on it. Labels such as “you’re the clever one” or “you’re the funny one” may feel positive, but they attach self-worth to fixed qualities. When a child inevitably struggles, fails a test, or no longer feels like “the clever one” compared to peers, their confidence can collapse.
Descriptive praise, on the other hand, focuses on the process. It links self-esteem to perseverance, creativity, and problem-solving. This not only builds resilience but also helps children see setbacks as part of learning, not as proof that they are not good enough.
One of my own strategies for praise is to let children choose how their achievement is celebrated.
“If my child brings me a piece of artwork, I might ask, ‘What would you like us to do with this?’ They may want it on the fridge, in their room, or to keep it for themselves. That way the celebration belongs to them, not to my approval.”
This simple shift reinforces self-esteem by giving children ownership over how their effort is recognised, rather than tying their achievement to outside validation.
What To Try
Use descriptive praise: “I can see you worked really hard on that drawing” or “You concentrated for so long to finish that puzzle.”
Recognise effort and persistence, not just results.
Encourage reflection: “What helped you do well this time?” or “What could you try differently next time?”
Celebrate progress, even small steps, as signs of growth.
Allow children to choose how their success is acknowledged.
What To Avoid
Avoid sweeping labels such as “you’re amazing” or “you’re the clever one,” and avoid negative ones like “you’re naughty” or “you’re the lazy one.”
Do not tie praise only to outcomes like grades or trophies.
Steer clear of comparisons between siblings or peers.
Do not over-praise to the point it feels false or meaningless.
As Josh summed up:
“Lots of parents think calling a child ‘the clever one’ or ‘the funny one’ will boost confidence. But those labels can backfire. If they struggle later on, their whole sense of identity feels threatened. It is much better to praise the process and the effort, not the identity.”
Josh’s message on labels was clear and powerful:
“Labels do stick, and the effects can last well into adulthood. Negative ones such as “you’re the naughty one” or “you’re the black sheep of the family” can be especially damaging, shaping how children see themselves for years to come.”
“Even positive labels can create pressure or fear of failure. The safest path is to avoid labels altogether and focus instead on describing effort, persistence, and progress.”
Siblings, Temperament and the Bigger Picture
Before we finished, I asked Josh about sibling order, the idea that eldest, middle, or youngest children develop differently.
Research does show some small patterns. Firstborns may be more prone to anxiety, while youngest children can show more behavioural issues. But Josh was careful to add that this is not a fixed rule.
“Every child in a family has had a different set of parents. Your experience, your confidence, your circumstances change with each child. Birth order matters, but what really matters is understanding the child in front of you.”
He also noted that families often use sibling order to explain behaviours; the “responsible eldest,” the “wild youngest,” the “relaxed middle child.” While those narratives can feel true, they risk boxing children into roles.
The real lesson is this: sibling position and temperament shape children, but they never define them. What matters most is staying curious about each child’s individual strengths, struggles, and personality, rather than comparing them to their brothers or sisters.
Final Thoughts: The Take-Home Message
There is no perfect formula for raising confident kids. Self-esteem develops gradually, shaped by parents, siblings, teachers, friends and life experiences. What we can do is give our children warmth, space, and guidance.
When I asked Josh for his one take-home message as both a psychologist and a parent, he put it simply:
“The number one thing is making sure that you have warmth, compassion and time to really listen.”
In practice, that means:
Putting down what you are doing and giving your child your full attention for 20 seconds when it really matters.
Remembering that children do not need unlimited attention. It is about quality, not quantity.
Listening first from their perspective, even if your answer is “not now” or “no.”
Accepting that parents do not need to be perfect. Small moments of focus can make a big difference.
As Josh said, those everyday pauses and moments of listening are what build real self-esteem.
For me, that is the key lesson. Self-esteem is not about constant praise or perfect parenting. It is about helping children feel valued and capable, even when things do not go right. And how we give praise is equally important.
With reflection, patience, and a willingness to listen, we can give our children the foundation for genuine confidence and resilience.
If you found these insights helpful, I encourage you to watch the full conversation with Dr Josh Harwood, Raising Confident Kids: An Expert's Guide to Real Self-Esteem, on The Health Perspective. The video goes deeper into the themes we touched on here and offers even more practical advice for parents.
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